I didn't get the chance to visit until recently. I don't know, maybe part of me was afraid of the feelings that were going to present themselves. Knowing the heartache this man made my family experience left me uneasy making the venture.
Anyways, my brother asked if I wanted to take a day and go venture to Ohio. I figured it was time to make the trek so I agreed.
I called the cemetery early in the morning. I knew that it was huge and finding Alvie's grave was not going to be an easy task. The caretaker called me back immediately with details. As she was looking, she informed me that there were unmarked graves. Not sure what she meant, I then asked her about my great-great grandfather John W. She was able to find that easily and said Alvie was 4 over from his father's grave. She told me she would mark John W.'s for us. I was grateful.
When we got to the cemetery we started to walk through the section, looking for her marker. After about an hour, this is what we found...
As you can see, to the right of John W., there are no headstones... There are 3 plots there and the one buried to the left of the next headstone, is my great-grandfather Alvie Brice Yantz.
Directly to the right of John W. is my great-great grandmother Nancy. Next to her, my great-grandfather's brother Ray - who died young. Then Alvie.
How does this make me feel?
Sad. A little angry but more than anything, sad.
I don't know if I can never forgive my great-grandfather Yantz for the torture he selfishly put my grandfather through. Or the shame that has transferred onto my father because of it. There's nothing I can do about the past but... Seeing this though.... He was human and doesn't deserve this. This is what happens in a life where people have been shut out. When you deny those who love you and live as a loner, doing as you please. It puts a harsh reality to it. He really did die alone and for that, I am sad.
I was uneasy the whole evening after making the trip, carried on into the next few days. I had a terrible, can't shake, pit-in-the-stomach kind of heartache. I talked to my mother and she told me a few stories of things she and Dad knew about my grandfather.
I learned that I should still be named Yantz. When my great-grandmother remarried, they didn't really want to deal with my grandfather. Or should I say, he was 'in the way.' So they sent him to a Catholic boarding school. This is where my grandfather was really mistreated. My 'step' great-grandfather never really wanted my grandpa. He was treated like extra baggage and never officially adopted. I had my step-great-grandfather's last name though because my grandfather just started using it while he was in school. As an adult my grandfather ran into trouble using the last name so he had it legally changed. I also learned that my grandfather attended Alvie's funeral. My Dad was just a small child and he remembers the day my grandfather had to go. I'm not sure how much contact they had, but my grandfather felt his father was important enough to attend.
I swear I'm not crazy and this may sound a little strange but...
Since I was a child, my mom has told me she felt a 'presence' around me. She told me that she would wake up at night and see a glow over my crib. She always thought Pop (my step-great-grandfather) was there as my guardian angel. But now, I don't believe it's him.
After the feelings I experienced in the cemetery, and knowing more about my grandfather's past, I fully believe it's Alvie. I know I sound nuts but there is a reason I have been SO interested in this family. I think he has been guiding me on this venture. He wanted me to find his grave. And I think he has been reaching out in remorse for the things that have happened. Or maybe that's just what I want to believe... I don't know.
I know one thing for sure. I'm glad that I made the trip and maybe even grateful for the inner turmoil that it has caused me. It reminds me to be thankful of the wonderful people I have in my life, my husband, my parents. Some day in the future Alvie will be remembered in stone, along with my great-great grandmother and Ray. He's not alone anymore.
I will make sure of that.
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