Still haunted.

I posted a few days ago about how I'm feeling things differently.  It is true.  I feel much more confident than I have in a long time.  But there are still moments of pain creeping in.  That anger and pain is being handled a little differently this time.  Maybe it's inevitable. 

Infertility makes you question every bit of logic available.  Hope and faith are sometimes your only option.

Human nature makes you want something you can't have even more.  Some days to the point of madness.

I believe that once we are told that it's not an option, it will never ever leave your mind.

Infertility is a quiet selfish fight.

This pain taunts me.  It teases me and leaves me asking why.  It will go away but inevitably comes back time after time after time.

Refocusing helps.  I'm learning that this is my defense mechanism in coping with infertility.  I had to say that it's no longer an option for my sanity.  Try to redirect my life into another avenue.  To me it was a definite end to all the inner battles I've had for so long.  Logically I can't have kids.  But the truth is that "WHY ME" still creeps in.

I try my best to identify with my infertile friends.  I know their path is not an easy one from experience.  I empathize with these women.  No one will ever fully understand the amount of self-guilt and feelings of worthlessness laid upon their chest.  If you have gone through this and survived you are a hero in my eyes.

I feel like I have been to hell and back.  While it's quite exhilarating to stare the devil in the eye and say I'm done, the devil has alternate plans.  Always one step ahead of me.  Every time I go through this battle of questioning and survive, he comes out of left field and gives me a little more of what I can't handle.  Although this time it's more complicated.

You may be asking yourself where this is coming from.... I know I said I was done with my battle and happy about my decision.  Well my schooling decision and excitement of my new path didn't seem like it mattered much yesterday.  I felt pushed back into that insecure woman, hopeless and questioning God.

My sister is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I am SUPER happy for friends and family who can manage a baby or 2 or 4 but this situation leaves me speechless.  This really is the ONLY situation that has upset me so if you are pregnant and afraid to talk to me, don't be.  I'm still here for you and cheering you on.

My sister already has 4, this baby will be number 5. 

I'm not jealous because she is having a baby and eventually I will be very happy that there will be another bundle of adorable chubby cheeks in my family.  When that baby is born I can guarantee you I will pick it up and love and care for it the way I have with all my nieces and nephews. 
I'm angry because of my inability to, that every corner I have turned has been a fail, and the fact that I have to question God on a weekly basis of why I cannot.  I'm angry at God that I have to even question something that should happen for a woman naturally.  I've thought, "What kind of poor decisions have I made in my life that constitutes this type of punishment?!?"  And the fact that my mind WON'T settle down and let me be content in my adult, child-free, path.

When my niece Jo was born (in the midst of mega-infertility struggles) I was ecstatic.  The problem is that my sis and her husband CANNOT support another child.  AT ALL.  My sis has had a hard time putting food on the table.  She works a minimum wage job and currently my brother-in-law is out of work due to a shoulder injury.  (He is returning and has a job but just had the surgery today and is going to be out for a long time)  I've listened to countless complaints about not having enough room or money with a sympathetic ear.  And I believe this was completely irresponsible to bring another child into the middle of this mess.

I feel like I put myself through torture being sympathetic for nothing at this point.
I love my sister dearly but  I don't know if I can listen to any complaints right now.  I feel guilty for that because I know that I am the only one in my family that will listen to her and be there for her when she has issues.  And she will have issues, that's a guarantee.

They were in the middle of building a room in their house for Jo.  And now there's going to be 7 people in a small 3 bedroom house.

WHY GOD do you let them have another so easily when I can't have one?????

So what do I do?  I suck it up in a few weeks and go on as I have.  Loving her and the kids.  Being there when she needs a helping hand.  And supporting her when she freaks about the kids, the finances, the house, work... anything.