Where was I???
(sick of being a "pro" at the aunt thing)
This past year has been a doozy. It seems the more I've wanted a baby, the more I've learned, and that many more questions came up. Mike and I have loved each other endlessly through this but it has put an unseen strain on aspects of our marriage. We're about as open and truthful as a couple can get and we have learned to rely on each other. But that does mean that I have the right to get angry with him? Right?
Faith - Mike was raised Mennonite and later on his family moved to a non-denominational Bible Church. His family has a DEEP faith that I have never seen before. (It was very eye-opening to me and quite a pivotal turn in my life. Just today his father informed us that he's going to try to go into ministry.) He had a decent life in the church, active in youth group, and learned to rely on God for everything. Which is one of the things that I do love about him. I, on the other hand, was raised in a catty Methodist church with constant gossip and hypocrits. As a teenager I did not have the confidence to understand that these faults were not personal attacks. I took everything personally. I turned away from the faith that I had as a child. And blamed God... a lot. Mike's family has a cousin that waited 15 years for God's Will to take action to have a baby. I can't do this. This puts a lot of strain on me. I feel whiny and pushy and frankly I feel like I can't live up to their standard and a horrible person in their eyes. Although they would never admit it even if they thought that. I don't believe that they would ever judge me outwardly but there's the slight insecurity in my mind it may happen. And although he understands what I am going through, he still listens to his family saying "to relax" and "maybe that's not God's path." His family gets uncomfortable talking about these things. I can sense it. And frankly, he gets lazy on goals and I get frustrated.
Money - My goal in life was to be a "Suzie home-maker." Mike knew this when we were dating and that I was conservative in those views and never intended to carry a full-time job. I am currently not working. I had a job in a grocery store with people I loved before we moved a year and a half ago. And I mean, I told my work family EVERYTHING. They hurt for me and sympathized as much as they could every time I brought up any of my struggles, including infertility. My boss was like a surrogate mom. I cried to her and she called me her "anal twin."(a term of endearment in my perfectionist world) And she always dealt with me with extreme compassion. I still love her (and my office "sisters") to this day and miss her (and them) very much. So we moved... Mike's job was 45 minutes away and it made more sense for us to live here. We were under so much stress with trying to have a baby, I didn't feel I could go back to work. I decided to devote my efforts 100% to it. (More on the job story later) But Mike's job does not support us having a baby the way we are going to have to. As I said before... Insurance doesn't cover anything and his job pays our bills and a little slush fund but... it's not going to pay for infertility.
I prayed and prayed and prayed until my knees were bruised and felt like my hands were bleeding. I felt that I'm not getting any younger and I want a child so badly. It sounds cliche but we started to look into fostering, thinking that maybe that was the path God wanted us to take... And I don't know... It still may be but I don't feel this desire to be pregnant to go away anytime soon. I thought, "well maybe we can foster for a little extra money and do both." At the time it seemed like the perfect compromise.... I get to be around children that needed a loving home and can still pursue my dreams to pregnancy. We even went as far as contacting 2 agencies and receiving the paperwork. I was overwhelmed by the amount of training and paperwork. (which is good, making sure no psychos are taking kids in) Then the voice of reason started to sink in, "Sarah. You are up to your knees in depression and baby-making. You have no business bringing another child into this mix." I listened. and I talked to Mike. and I prayed. Mike and I decided that was not the avenue for us right now, together. It's hard enough trying to figure out infertility, I don't think I could handle foster training on top of that. Plus there's the added bonus of having the unpredictability of a child in your home. 24/7, always on call.... Not going to help around ovulation time.
(This is Mike holding my niece Jojo)
So I was talking to my mom one day on the phone a while back. We were discussing the "normalcy" of my periods and she brought up the question, "Sarah, why don't you get Mike tested? You can even buy a simple at-home test at Walgreens. It could be an easy fix and you aren't even trying." That last part hit like a ton of bricks... But I still didn't listen. I'm a hard head. and I didn't want to upset Mike by "blaming" the problem on him. He's extremely sensitive about this because he has had erectile issues before (completely mental I assure you) and I knew his boys would go into hiding if I brought it up. And well.... I wanted to continue having good sex.
Finally God answered that one in the shape of a case of Epididymitis...... A couple months before the end of 2009 Mike started complaining about his testicles hurting... Not extreme pain but irritating discomfort. We ignored for a little while and it didn't go away. So he called a urologist and set up an appointment and I asked him if he wanted me to go with him and if we could possibly get him tested. He said yes to my surprise and that he needed me there for support. So we got him into the office and the doc told us that his epididymis was inflamed. (the fleshy part on the top of the testicle) I asked the doc if we could order a sperm count and told him our insurance didn't pay for infertility... He said he didn't know if he could do that and I told him that Mike did have issues with erectile dysfunction and basically, what would it hurt? Then we'd know either way. The good doc agreed. I was ecstatic! I was finally going to get an answer!
Then the appointment came to read the results and check if his inflammation had healed. I sent Mike on his own. (bad mistake) He was feeling a little bit more confident and I figured he could handle this one. He came back and of course, I wanted all the details. He told me a 2 for motility and sperm count... 2.4 million. I was floored. and depressed. and kicked it into, "we need to boost sperm count" mode and put him on a "dinner's worth" regimen of sperm boosting vitamins. I started researching immediately and started wondering about the 2... I figured it was a grade 2 and was like, we can work with this, trying to stay positive. We were just starting to get answers and I was actually pretty psyched.
The doc preceded to order an ultrasound, testosterone, lh, and fsh bloodwork over the next 3 visits... Each time we went into his office he gave us more lab work to get done. I kind of wish that he would have given us the bloodwork all at once but... Doctors are greedy and want to bill you for more office time.
Over this course of time we found out that our insurance DID cover the testing the way we did it. HOORAY!!! We only had one little spat with them over an office visit. (They tried not to cover the follow up for the epididymitis because the doc also listed infertility... Of course they see that and say, "NOPE! can't do it! this is elective procedure" We fought them on that one and actually won.
During this time I started reaching out to online support groups and that's when I came across SIF. I was intrigued and happy with the knowledge from everyone. Some women were great while others just brought me further down. I learned that only 2 medical conditions breed so much hope.... infertility and cancer. I needed women I could talk to that could identify and help me stay positive.
Everything came back clear........................ The most possible reason the doc could think of was a varicocele and the ultrasound confirmed that was a big fat no. So we were like, "what do we do now?" The doc ordered one more sperm analysis and said that since it had been 3 months (the amount of time to build healthy sperm) since Mike's inflammation he needed a second to diagnose for sure. So we had the second sperm count done.
We hoped and prayed for a whole month. I went in the basement and screamed at God to just please give us some answers or answer our prayers. I stood on my head during ovulation until I nearly blacked out. One time I screamed for an hour and a half..... I'm glad I have nice neighbors. Then came time for the next appointment.
The doctor had specifically asked Mike for me to come to this visit with him. He wanted to discuss our further options and let us know if this was the end of the road or not for him, depending on his sperm analysis. After all, he is just a urologist and this is not his expertise but he wanted to be able to direct us to the next steps... So we waited (they were having a crazy day, an ambulance was there) and finally the nurse took us back. Dr. "E" read off Mike's analysis. He was incorrect the first time in saying 2.4 million, it was actually 24.9m. Good right? The results this time.... Count - 25.9, Viability 46%(better), Morphology 79%(excellent), and the kicker, Motility ......2%.....................not the grade 2 we had previously thought. Stayed 2% between 2 separate sperm counts over 3 months apart. This crushed me....... and still does. A person with 5 million sperm and 75% of them are motile can get someone pregnant..... A man with 25.9m and 2% motility can not. The doc told us, "well at least you're not sterile." Like that's supposed to make me feel any better. Then he told us that he could no longer help us. I told him that I have a RE already and he told me, "That's not going to help you. You need a specialized andrologist (male fertility doctor)." (This still hurts writing it out) Then he referred us to a cryoclinic (sp?) and said we might want to look into sperm harvesting. I knew it wasn't possible to get pregnant at this point but somehow I still have hope.
This is a picture of Mike holding Jo. Another one. But this time if you look closely Mike is in focus.... Jo is not.
Our dreams are slipping away.
I started discussing my issue on a forum and actually started talking to a WONDERFUL male fertility doctor. I didn't really like what he had to say but he didn't beat around the bush and give me false hope either. I posted Mike's sperm results and asked "Why would our doc be sending us to a cryoclinic of all places?!?" I was still under the impression that maybe Mike has a sub-clinical varicocele (too small to be seen with ultrasound) or whoever checked the ultrasound didn't do it correctly and missed something. The doc was quick to put me in my place and I actually appreciate him a lot, even though I didn't when it happened. He told me a few different scenarios of patients he had seen. He was very blunt. He told me that (using the example of a male with the same issue and a woman with endo first) he would hate to see me spend valuable time trying to boost Mike's sperm when there is NO WAY to get it above 50%. He said it took the one couple 6 years to get to 20% and then they had difficulties with the woman. And as far as the varicocele goes, it's pointless with that low motility. If it was large enough to make a difference Doc "E" would have felt it on physical exam. (the bigger the varicocele- the bigger the problems) The cryoclinic should be for me in case we want to freeze my eggs for later on. (I thought this was pretty smart and a really good idea) He advised us to do ICSI with invitro..... Pretty much our only option. They don't even TRY other procedures with this much of an issue unless they are out to just get money. I told him that maybe we'd have to save up over the next few years to do this. He replied using another couple as example, "I don't want to sound mean but the one thing that is on your side is that you are young. In 5 years you'll be 32 and your eggs will be older. When I was asked by a young couple about taking out a loan for this, that is what I advised them." Not his exact words but pretty close.
ICSI starts at $10,000. Not including anything else (drugs I would have to be on, consultations, etc.).......... We don't have that kind of money. And I don't think I'm comfortable taking out a loan on this one knowing I can't repay it anytime soon.
So here I am........ Body waiting for that bundle of "my everything" and it's not an option for me. Brought up the donor thing and Mike looked at me like I had 6 heads. He's totally against it. This makes me angry. He's going to deprive me of my natural function because of an ego issue. It's not fair. This has led up to my epic meltdown of this past week. I don't know what to do.................. I feel lost and like I don't have a purpose in life. This is all I ever wanted and what I have geared my life towards. Not a career. No college. No job. I have no control over what is happening because it's not happening in my body... I can't just do a few things and fix it. and how can I be mad at him for it? Mike is one of the sweetest people in the world. He wouldn't hurt a fly and I know he's hurting as much, if not more than I am. But I am.
I wish I could give you a happy ending to my story, but I can't. The reason why it was so hard for me to write Part 2 was that I don't have an ending.... I'm leaving it open. Hoping and praying with all my might to fill the nooks and my end with happiness. So I'll leave you with the lullaby that I am hoping to one day rock in my chair and sing to my sweet innocent angel.......................................................................(The pic is of Jo and I am hoping and praying she is not the last baby I sing this to)
...............................................................................................................
Brown and furry, caterpillar in a hurry.
Take your walk, through the shady leaf or stalk or what not.
It may be, the chosen spot.
No toad spy you.
Hovering bird and prey pass by you.
Spin and die, to live again
a butterfly.
...............................................................................................................
(I remember this song from early elementary school and I think I am the only one that still remembers it.)
My cousin and his wife had IF issues, it was her, having endo, he was fine. They were told that their only option was IVF, so they took out a loan. They paid 25,000 for the procedure, the injections, the u/s, the consults. They retrieved and implanted 2 embryos, and 2 weeks later the test was negative. About 6 months later they went to try again using up her saved embryos (they will freeze them for up to a year, and i think that cost is included in that 25,000 total)When she went in for the 1st round of tests, she found out that she was already pregnant. I'm not really sure if the point of that story was based on the fact that even though you save up a million bucks and do everything right, you still might not get pregnant, or if the point was that ANYTHING is possible.
ReplyDeleteObviously the desire to be pregnant and carry YOUR own child outweighs the desire for a child period, which you could get by fostering or adoption. It's not the same. Those children did not come from you, they are not part of you.
But,I understand where you're coming from in being mad at Mike. But you need to figure out whether your desire is to have a baby, or if your desire is to have a baby with Mike. You are very aware of what is holding you back from your dream. And though it's not his fault, he did not choose for this to happen, it is the reason. Had you known before you got married that Mike could not have children, would you have married him? I hate to add more fuel to your fire, and i certainly do not want or intend to sound cold or harsh. Please dont think that.
I think that if you figure out those answers, it may point you in the right direction.
I definitely understand your point MrsB. It's one of the things I have been thinking about. I did work over the summer but it didn't help much. My husband and I have had issues with communication and rifting because of work. I mean SERIOUS issues in the past because we were so consumed with work that we let a rift occur in our marriage. He gets scared when I bring up the idea of a full time job because he knows my perfectionism and that it has a tendency to cause a separation between us. This news is fairly recent and it's been taking all I have to just get a shower lately. I don't think a workplace will appreciate me calling off every time I get bad news. I know prayers don't get you money. But sometimes looking inward and up can lead you to the right option. I HAVE been thinking about it. And looking over jobs the past month or so because I know the reality of our situation, and I do get bored. At first it's nice and fun,a stress relief, to be able to keep everything neat and have the freedom to do what I want but it wears on me over time. I will get more into this topic in later blogs.
ReplyDeleteLevon ~ That's part of exactly what I am afraid of. There are NO guarantees and by the time we get to the point where we have the money, we could end up back in marriage counseling. I would be devastated if I shelled out that much money and it didn't work. I get SICK if I buy a lottery ticket and lose so I just don't play. I kind of get into a "if I can't do it my way, I don't want to do it at all" mode and monkey wrench's and bad news send me through the roof. Can't seem like I can get back on track. I would LOVE to do the donor thing and I'm hoping that Mike will eventually come around and quit being a jerk about it. No one ever even HAS TO KNOW that we did it that way. That might even be what I have my mind set on at this point. You're not being cold or harsh at all. I know it's a hard pill to swallow. And what you're saying is out of love and support and I know that. There's a huge difference between that, and just being judgemental.
I know I am not writing my story as well as maybe I should be and explaining all my reasoning why. When I'm still super emotional and trying to deal with something current it doesn't come out right sometimes. I DO NOT want or need people in my life who are being judgemental. I have a valid reason behind everything I do. I am just beginning blogging and please take that into consideration. I have MANY stories to tell and they all connect. Trying to find positivity in my life, and could do without the negative.
I'm glad you know that i'm just saying this stuff out of support, sometimes the things i say can sound different than i mean them, especially in typing, it's so hard to tell someones attitude if you dont know them well...
ReplyDeleteI'm not Mike, (duh LOL) but i'm pretty sure that his reasoning for not wanting to do the donor thing is because he knows that it will not "technically" be his baby. You could hide it from everyone, just say it was a miracle, but he would always know, and eventually it would cause bigger issues in your life/marriage. You said he gave you a wierd look when you mentioned it, and i know it's hard to remember exactly how things played out when you're trying to write them down, but was that the gist of it? Did he ever give you an exact reason?
I personally know someone who had to do surogacy/donor things. Her eggs were pretty much shot so they had to use donor eggs...well, the donor was her sister. So they used her sisters eggs, and her husbands sperm, ended up having twins. But that has to be wierd, i mean, your husband and your sister have a kid together, and really it's like your niece or nephew, and you're raising it as your own...Again, i'm not sure of my point here, my mind is like a mixed up jumble of crap these days, but all i know is that you have to be some special kind of person to be in those kind of situations and not go crazy thinking about it. Maybe Mike doesnt have it in him, or maybe he does and doesnt know it...talk it out.
Thank you sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThough I can't relate in a lot of ways there are some things I do relate to.
I'm commenting as I'm reading so its all in bits and pieces, sorry.
I told God I wasn't up for it. I read of a women who had waited 23 years for her first and only. I still don't think I could do it. I don't take well to being told to relax. Not when it hurts to sit still and you know what you want isn't just going to land in your lap. Or rather your belly.
I thought God wanted me to foster adopt or just adopt instead and so I go there too. I look at the criteria, the requirements. I will eventually but it doesn't take away wanting the other part. Pregnancy. I still want my adopted children just as much but pregnancy I can't let go so easily either.
My insurance doesn't cover infertility either so if I do need to go the way of IVF or any other kind of help, its all out of pocket too. Its tough and I wish there was more to do there.
I have heard of scholarships though. More than likely they would apply to your situation since I am unmarried (sucks) but maybe that could be an option to you. I don't have specifics but maybe you can google that if you haven't already. I don't know. I just thought I would suggest that since I heard it from someone in passing.
Levon- I know I have definitely changed since high school and I know how to read into things a little better than I did years ago. It's a blessing growing up... and a curse. There are times when I want to be snarky and sarcastic to clear my head from all the crap that's mustering in there :) I never had the confidence to be like this when I was younger. I'll HAVE to write more about this. Mike does have those feelings but there's the tiny bit of my mind saying I can change it. (Even though I know I can't.)
ReplyDeleteGille- God Bless you! I have no clue how those women that wait that long have the patience. I will definitely have to look into the scholarships. Thanks for the idea :)
It's not fair that something that comes so easily to some is going to cost so much, of EVERYTHING. How do you be realistic (believe it or not, I take that role between Mike and I) and still have hope and make it all work???
Sarah, I have no patience for that. I need at least a little, I know, but that sure put a fire under my butt.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea how to be realistic. Maybe you should teach me. I have no idea how to make anything happen but I just figure if its been done before someone has to know something and if its never been done then I better get to it cause who knows how long its going to take me to figure it all out.
(Please God don't let it take 23 years!)
Hope is hard and I don't always have it but my mom told me something once and I hang on to it. God gives you the desires of your heart and he gives you the desires of your heart. Get it? He gave you the desire to be a mom and you desire a child. He'll give you a child. I don't believe he'll waste those desires. He has to make those come to something and work out somehow. He put it there. I can't say how he will but I have to believe he will for us.
That's just my belief anyway.
I'm rambling. I'm not even sure I had a point to this comment!
Lady... it is all so hard. I would recommend taking out the loan. That is what I am doing too (although, they really just don't know how long I have, so I felt as though that was my only option). They are right though: you are young and they can make this work. You can still have your dream. I promise you. All my love...
ReplyDelete