Could it BE? Am I possibly beginnings to see signs of my OLD SELF???
Ok well maybe I don't want to be a complete spaz (like in the above picture) and maybe not old "high school" self (wouldn't want to go back there either) but an upgraded more self-aware and secure version!
Growing up is a hard pill to swallow. When you've dealt with failure, death of friendships, infidelity, marriage counseling, debt, infertility, or any of the nastiness that it holds. I feel like since I was 24 my life has been to practically the bottom of the barrel.
I'm slowly weeding out the crap in my life that's bringing me down. It's taking me letting go of pent up hostility, fear, and infertility to see a brighter side to my future. Yes I said infertility. I'm letting it go. Maybe not for good but at least for awhile to regain my sanity. This was a very hard discussion for Mike and I but it was definitely the elephant in the room always.
I'm a realist. I like to dream but I know the facts. Over $25,000 is no joke. We don't have that kind of money and even with me getting a job, the type of jobs I can get is not going to give us that type of money. I'm not a gambler and the sheer fact that I could spend that and it not work would kill me. I'm talking padded-room-mess. And it's not even the money. I didn't like the person I was becoming with infertility. I was a freaking mess.
For me infertility is all consuming. It's all I thought about. No other ambitions. Just getting to that precious child. I had to let it go. I told Mike at one point during our discussion, "I can't fix this." And he knew exactly what I meant because he was feeling the same way. At one point my best friend was yelling at me to get a shower because I was so depressed. I laid in my clothes for days. Not exactly healthy. It makes me sad because I've given up a huge part of who I am. But if things work out we will foster down the road and probably, hopefully adopt. We may not be able to biologically have a child but I KNOW Mike and I have enough love to give to one who needs it.
As sad as it is I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest when Mike was ok with what I had to say.
Things I've learned about myself since my epiphany and things that I can be so grateful for:
1. I have a husband that would walk through fire for me. Not every girl can say that but I truthfully believe it.
2. I have the world's greatest best friend. She lets me cry and tells me to buck up when I need it.
3. I have an ability to be an amazing aunt to all the children in my life. I still think I have many lessons to teach and I enjoy keeping in touch with my nieces and nephews. All of them. Even the unofficial ones. :)
4. I've learned I'm a pretty good photographer when I pull out my "art eye."
5. I've learned that sometimes you can't really know someone until you go through similar experiences. Teaches me a lot about second chances and trust. Reaching out and finding something unexpected.
6. I've started to learn that God HAS to have a divine plan for me. These heartaches may be blessings in disguise.
7. I've learned that I'm pretty damn special and it takes getting out of my shell to see that sometimes.
To my other infertile friends. I am cheering for you. It's not a sad day. I will still be there to cheer you on and celebrate your joys. Perhaps more so now. I'm here for you. Please don't ever be afraid to share your struggles with me. This is the end of my "medical" journey but most definitely not yours. And your the only one that can decide that point.
Growing up is a hard pill to swallow. When you've dealt with failure, death of friendships, infidelity, marriage counseling, debt, infertility, or any of the nastiness that it holds. I feel like since I was 24 my life has been to practically the bottom of the barrel.
I'm slowly weeding out the crap in my life that's bringing me down. It's taking me letting go of pent up hostility, fear, and infertility to see a brighter side to my future. Yes I said infertility. I'm letting it go. Maybe not for good but at least for awhile to regain my sanity. This was a very hard discussion for Mike and I but it was definitely the elephant in the room always.
I'm a realist. I like to dream but I know the facts. Over $25,000 is no joke. We don't have that kind of money and even with me getting a job, the type of jobs I can get is not going to give us that type of money. I'm not a gambler and the sheer fact that I could spend that and it not work would kill me. I'm talking padded-room-mess. And it's not even the money. I didn't like the person I was becoming with infertility. I was a freaking mess.
For me infertility is all consuming. It's all I thought about. No other ambitions. Just getting to that precious child. I had to let it go. I told Mike at one point during our discussion, "I can't fix this." And he knew exactly what I meant because he was feeling the same way. At one point my best friend was yelling at me to get a shower because I was so depressed. I laid in my clothes for days. Not exactly healthy. It makes me sad because I've given up a huge part of who I am. But if things work out we will foster down the road and probably, hopefully adopt. We may not be able to biologically have a child but I KNOW Mike and I have enough love to give to one who needs it.
As sad as it is I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest when Mike was ok with what I had to say.
Things I've learned about myself since my epiphany and things that I can be so grateful for:
1. I have a husband that would walk through fire for me. Not every girl can say that but I truthfully believe it.
2. I have the world's greatest best friend. She lets me cry and tells me to buck up when I need it.
3. I have an ability to be an amazing aunt to all the children in my life. I still think I have many lessons to teach and I enjoy keeping in touch with my nieces and nephews. All of them. Even the unofficial ones. :)
4. I've learned I'm a pretty good photographer when I pull out my "art eye."
5. I've learned that sometimes you can't really know someone until you go through similar experiences. Teaches me a lot about second chances and trust. Reaching out and finding something unexpected.
6. I've started to learn that God HAS to have a divine plan for me. These heartaches may be blessings in disguise.
7. I've learned that I'm pretty damn special and it takes getting out of my shell to see that sometimes.
To my other infertile friends. I am cheering for you. It's not a sad day. I will still be there to cheer you on and celebrate your joys. Perhaps more so now. I'm here for you. Please don't ever be afraid to share your struggles with me. This is the end of my "medical" journey but most definitely not yours. And your the only one that can decide that point.
When I saw that top pic on my reading list, I didn't know who that was!
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud and excited for you! Reading that just screamed possibility and that is a beautiful thing not to mention that your "art eye" is right on. Gorgeous picture.
You really are pretty darn special, sarah.
Sorry Gille! I tend to switch pictures a lot just because I like my old goofy ones!
ReplyDeleteI like to think I'm headed in the right direction. God and I have had LOTS of conversations over the past year and I'm kind of liking this positive point of view!
Hey girlie! I just found your comment! Love ya always!
ReplyDelete